dance dance dance

tang ina!

rebel

chronically dissatisfied

you're not as different as anyone else than you think

i'm not feeling so well for the entire week. physically, mentally and emotionally.
i might have worried myself sick, literally. i feel bad and i feel bad about feeling bad.
i'm worried about the future. i don't know if i really want what i want. or maybe i just don't know if i want to give up who i am now to get what i want. maybe i'm too comfortable. maybe i want everything now. maybe im listening and buying a lot of stories from totally opposite people, different people with totally different values...so who am i going to listen to?  (i hear myself saying, listen to yourself. but who is me? am i not a collection of others? but you have a choice on who you're going to listen to...maybe you're just afraid of the consequences? you can't have everything you know...hanggang ngayon pa ba yan pa rin ang umaagaw ng tulog mo???)

i rarely expose my negative feelings and sentiments publicly. one reason is i don't want to infect people.
another reason is that i don't want others to have a reason to not like me. i feel like that if you're sad and confused
people won't like you much or they like you less than when you're bubbly and happy and well grounded. yes, that's how much i value people's opinion.

But this time, i'm exposing myself a bit. it's part of this opening up project and liking myself project.

As Brian Biro said, "No one can be loved until they let themselves be seen.
No one can be seen until they learn to love themselves."

what is there to hide anyways? i think we emit a scent physically, psychologically and emotionally by the way we carry ourselves, our countenance, our collective actions and just how we are. our results in the areas of our lives, others can see. and the non-results areas of our lives, others can see too. so how can we hide from others who we really are?

most especially, how can we hide ourselves from ourselves. we bring ourselves everywhere. And so i let myself be seen as a practice for myself.  To show me to myself that I love myself no matter what.

you should look at me last night. taking pictures endlessly of the library with the newly arranged book shelf
i decided to change the view a bit. keep the books i see often inside and those i rarely see outside. instead of arranging them by height, i maked sure they look assymetrical and varied in color, height and size.
it might help in changing a bit of perspective for the inside too.

i don't understand.
you cant understand everything beforehand.
you won't and you won't ever will.
that's part of the adventure of life.
you can't always act, anticipating what people's response would be.
you can't always act fearful if people will like you or not.

took a bath 3 times today. is this my way of coping? of letting go? life really tests you, huh? if you're really serious."do you really want what you want? you do? okay, show me... " then life throws things at you that dismantles you, your center. one moment you're so sure of yourself, what you want, your visions for yourself, your inspirations, your loves then kapoof,...startling jolt of reality... i know i know, we can manage our emotions... but i guess, i'd like things to settle for a while, after the boil, let it simmer. and maybe squeeze out learnings/realizations from it. don't get me wrong, i don't feel bad about feeling bad. it's good to feel bad sometimes. you have to trust your griefs as much as your joys. and i believe that...

is it weakness to show such vulnerability? well, maybe...perhaps. but aren't we all weak in certain areas and not to admit so is more detrimental. wow, i'm making this sadness a cognitive discussion with myself.

"nothing. just my belief in nothing constant about myself."

2009 is not over yet.

stop trying to be perfect. i know sometimes all you want to do is hide cause you think you're not ready or you think you're not "okay" today. your mindset, your attitude, your looks, but like the song said, nothing's worth running from. so go ahead. let yourself go.

yes, fear. this dark mystery is all too familiar to you.

journeys i'd like to take through 2009

ruby road! strong loyal customers, strong team of leaders on our way to BD by 2010

surf

photography - dark room experiments

guitar/drums/cello

contribute massively in haribon/nourish the children/something

give massively time and/or money to a cause for the environment, art or elderly.

how's your faith doing? belief...

what habits are you forming?

i'm not perfect and it's okay.

minsan i hate the fact that i still struggle with this. all right all right.

fear is not the problem, it's how you deal with it.

be optimistic. tomorrow has never happened before.

We worry about things we want to do – but can't – instead of doing the things we can do – but don't.

creating.

habits and lifestyles

hush hush

secret feelings and emotions.

furtive glances and clandestine rendevouz.

voyeurs and gypsies together.

the world waits for you.

tick tock, tick tock.