dance dance dance

I approached the first person at the line. I usually wouldn’t cause she looked like someone I’d feel awkward too approach cause she’s pretty. Turns out to be Liz’s blockmate Lala and she’s not at all mayabang.

I get to talk to people whom I wouldn’t usually associate myself with when I was in college. People who are very outgoing and open like Macy, Gab and her other friends. The me now is more open so I did. I notice they’re very open, uninhibited and self-initiating. They’re usually the group of people you’d hear from miles away or watch, listen and enjoy the fun that they’re having but not really join in. I realize they’re the same with me. They’re still people and they’re not at all judgmental. I’m not sure lang if I can keep up with the same energy for a long period. Maybe I can if I’m actually involved in the situation. Why pre-empt myself right? I realize I can blend in with anyone or make people comfortable with me so why have I been avoiding these situations before right? I've been excluding myself from relating to a gamot of people. Again, “fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.” And “we are not limited to what we can or cannot do but more on who we think we are not.” It’s interesting to note how much I’ve grown in terms of my perception of people. People are people and they have the same needs as I have. “Anyone can point out differences but those people people are those who look for bridges.”

took a bath 3 times today. is this my way of coping? of letting go? life really tests you, huh? if you're really serious."do you really want what you want? you do? okay, show me... " then life throws things at you that dismantles you, your center. one moment you're so sure of yourself, what you want, your visions for yourself, your inspirations, your loves then kapoof,...startling jolt of reality... i know i know, we can manage our emotions... but i guess, i'd like things to settle for a while, after the boil, let it simmer. and maybe squeeze out learnings/realizations from it. don't get me wrong, i don't feel bad about feeling bad. it's good to feel bad sometimes. you have to trust your griefs as much as your joys. and i believe that...

is it weakness to show such vulnerability? well, maybe...perhaps. but aren't we all weak in certain areas and not to admit so is more detrimental. wow, i'm making this sadness a cognitive discussion with myself.

"nothing. just my belief in nothing constant about myself."

2009 is not over yet.

stop trying to be perfect. i know sometimes all you want to do is hide cause you think you're not ready or you think you're not "okay" today. your mindset, your attitude, your looks, but like the song said, nothing's worth running from. so go ahead. let yourself go.

yes, fear. this dark mystery is all too familiar to you.

journeys i'd like to take through 2009

ruby road! strong loyal customers, strong team of leaders on our way to BD by 2010

surf

photography - dark room experiments

guitar/drums/cello

contribute massively in haribon/nourish the children/something

give massively time and/or money to a cause for the environment, art or elderly.

how's your faith doing? belief...

what habits are you forming?

i'm not perfect and it's okay.

minsan i hate the fact that i still struggle with this. all right all right.

fear is not the problem, it's how you deal with it.

be optimistic. tomorrow has never happened before.

We worry about things we want to do – but can't – instead of doing the things we can do – but don't.

creating.

habits and lifestyles

hush hush

secret feelings and emotions.

furtive glances and clandestine rendevouz.

voyeurs and gypsies together.

the world waits for you.

tick tock, tick tock.

"we are unutterable alone, essentially, especially in the things most intimate and most important to us."

i don't feel anything, except this feeling of non-feeling. i'm blank. if i die now, would it matter? i mean really, would it matter? not to you, dear reader. but to me. will it matter to me if i die? well, i'm uncertain of what's on the other side so that makes me prefer staying on this side than get to know the unknown that might be worse than here. no, i'm not going to kill myself physically.

although i should be really kill myself. kill a part of myself that's dead and withering.

--

who else would i show?

everyone has his/her struggles. yes we do. no matter how we may look outside. others may see right through us. however, it's not necesarily a vain disguise if we don't parade our sorrows explicitly. one reason, perhaps, is we don't want others' get so affected with our countenance and be affected by our burdens. though it doesn't hurt to share it with friends too. what matters is we are honest with it ourselves.

"i don't want excuses. i know what you're up against. we're all up against something. so you better make up your mind, because until you have the balls to look me straight in the eye and tell me this is all you deserve, i am not letting you fail even if that means coming to your house every night until you finish your work. i see who you are. do you understand me? i can see you, and you are not failing."

come to me with no past

I see myself rushing around maintaining
and
preparing
for what "will happen next"
and the worries that go along with it
getting ready for life-- not being in life
it seems we start so young with the
getupdresswasheatworkundressbath routine
we "grow up" too fast.
if we stop there are so many
worries of what could happen
will I lose the connection?
will i be replaced?
will i be forgotten?
it is exhausting- gripping
onto too much!
I am reminded of May Sarton's writing
in Journal of a Solitude
"Imitate the trees"
Let go. cut off the excess... prune
wait. watch. grow deep
and high to
see the sea.

(Sabrina Ward Harrison)