First of all, I just want to say, I love my red thong Beach Walk slippers! Got it for only P89.75! They’re so red! Hehehe ...
I’m starting to hate the cold. I need more layers to thaw myself in the aircorn. I’m turning the thermostat up for warmer air! Lately I find myself wishing for more sunny days. I’m beginning to dislike rainy days. Although I’m still fond of the “ber-wind” chills, I long for the warmth of the sun on my flesh – not the dizzy-doooeey kind here in Manila but like the one in Bora. Warmth that envelops your whole body with its blanket of soothing heat. It feels good. It feels secure. I don’t know how else to describe it though. I know I’m not like Szymborska or like Inna dearest or like Aleck or Martin or any other writer who have the skill to articulate it succinctly. I just know it feels good. But I don’t mind really. What I mind is losing the feeling, and all that’s left is me trying very hard recalling how it felt like. Oh well, I’m too sentimental I guess.
Nevertheless, what I construe as the reason behind this shift from “I love rainy days” to “I like sunny days” is the fact that there’s a change from the inside - I don’t want to sound cliché as I write this. There’s not much change outside of me. Subjects of longing and desire are still subjects of longing and desire. Objects of frustration are still objects of frustration. Maybe it’s just a change in perspective. I dunno. I don’t care. It’s just so loverly! Loverly! Loverly! (with Audrey Hepburn singing in the background with music.)
...
“You’ll never believe the many things you’ll find. If you open a door, try unlocking your mind. Learn to see with your heart not just with your eyes, and you’ll hopefully learn to tell the truth from lies. There are things to discover if you only would look. You won’t find much wisdom on the back of a book but open up the cover as you would any door inside you’ll find countless treasures and more. Doors, open doors. They are yours to open wide. Take a step. Take a chance. The view changes from deep inside. What was narrow may be wide what was small may be tall, but you’ll never discover till you open the door.
“Each door you’ve opened a decision you’ve made. Which you will find there’s often a price to be paid. But whose to say the price you pay isn’t worth the lessons. You’ll learn to see more through the door, you’ll see the essence.
“Doors, open doors, they are yours to open wide. Take a step. Take a chance. The new changes come from deep inside. What was narrow may be wide what was small may be tall, but you’ll never discover (you’ll never discover) till you open the door (till you open the door).”
It’s a wonderful song and it’s so true. I don’t know but it makes me feel good. I’m also trying to understand and experience for myself what Barbie said about “not just a change in perspective but a real change. That you not just feel good. That you are really well and better.”
I also think my boracay weekend had something to do with this. When people ask me, “How’s boracay?” I would reply with much enthusiasm, “Great! Fantabulous!” with my thumb up. I try to look really enthusiastic and fun ‘cause it was, really. I wanted convey as much marvel as I could to arouse people’s curiosity to ask me more questions. 'cause i know it's more than the crazy things that we did there. Oh well.
I think it’s the people’s cordiality and pleasantness that embraced me. Their simplicity of living and thinking captured me. For 4 days, I was immersed in this environment. Although at first, I pressured myself to become pragmatic, then later on I realized being practical need not be rude nor impersonal. The spontaneous, clumsy, considerate, overly-eager, easily delighted, then started taking over! It started when we landed and I met the old staff of Fairways that used to accommodate us there. Sarap makipag-chika. And then it continued to the accessories vendors, tricycle drivers, resort staff, etc. (Although there were times when I was frustrated that some people there tried taking advantage of us tourists by soliciting for higher fees than what was agreed.) I think I became a spokesperson for us when bargaining, when asking for directions, etc. I thank God ‘cause this openness allowed me to play frisbee in the beach with some natives, drive a speedboat, and try skim boarding!
Hahaha and I love it. I couldn’t stop myself. Oh well, I wasn’t even trying - and I’m happy ‘cause Pat and Erika let me be.
There I met Kuya Randy and Rex – who repeatedly offered me to either ride a sailboat or a jetski after the banana boat ride. I was so delighted when they let me drive the speedboat!
I also met Jonathan who ever so kindly lent me his skim board and taught me how to use it. When I noticed the sun was setting, I thanked him and off I went to catch up with the other three to take sunset pictures. (I told them to go ahead to BTR's beach front ‘cause I wanted chikka with Arnel for a while.) I was so anxious that I’ll miss our “pictorial rendevouz”, ‘cause the sun was fast showing off its colors, that I sprinted towards them! It turns out the three of them just arrived there a few minutes before i arrived. It was so funny when I saw Jonathan and two other boys with him walking towards me holding some red thing – you could notice that they were trying to return somthing to me. It was my red slippers!!! I left it in the sand during the first time i tried riding the skim board. And so, I also met Ron and Jinggoy. They patiently taught and demonstrated to me how to jump “sabay” on the skim board. They ever so kindly let me use their boards the whole time! There they stayed until the sun was almost gone!
The only trouble with all this "socializing" was trying to divert topics away from me giving away my number and coming up with crazy excuses not to give it away.
Although, I really regret not giving my email or complete name, at least, to the skim boarding guys. They’re really cool and I think they’ll make good friends. Whatever I was thinking it was rude of me. It was rude ‘cause it seemed like I was ungrateful and took advantage of them. When I turned my back I just felt so bad that it seemed like I betrayed an old friend. When I turned back, I could not see them anymore. They were really nice and would make cool friends. Probably, next time, I go there we could meet up and get together for some more knee wrenching action in the beach! Oh well, now I’m trying my best to search for them in friendster. The thought of this is a little bit odd and amusing.
There are lots more kuwentos ‘bout bora escapade that, for sure, will be brought up in my future posts.
And so, with all the “goodness” and light-heartedness welled up inside me, I once again entered the real world with its responsibilities, troubles, and other people with much hesitation. I wanted to get out from there - here. I was just fine while riding jeep to LRT. But when I was there, I could sense malicious gazes and intentions, anxiety, irritation, indifference, and other negative energies. I just caught myself guarding myself from such negativities. i think i was trying to quarantine myself. And then I met this girl whom I exchange greetings to when we meet in the campus- although I don’t recall where I knew her. She shall remain unnamed ‘cause I forgot the name which I just asked for earlier. She went about ranting, complaining, cussing so early in the beautiful morning on how late she was and how her batchmates are graduating while she still has two more years to go. For the first time in a long while, I felt myself closing myself from some one i just met. I just wanted to move away ‘cause I did not want her negative aura to rub off on me. It was kinda unexpected ‘cause I thought she was the silent goody type when I first met her. (Once again, people aren’t as they seem.)
And then when I entered school, I felt like I was in a hostile environment. Or prolly it’s just the entire city-life - dog eat dog world, voyeur, fishbowl, impersonal kinda environment. Then and there i decided I wanna start living in the province! **Itapon niyo na ako sa beach!!** Hahaha it’s funny ‘cause I feel like I was gone so long. I kid around that GMA might not be president anymore when I come back here.
I felt and still feel so alien and so vulnerable. (I prayed. I must admit that. It’s been a while though since I’ve asked for help. Haha it’s both funny and humbling.) It’s the same mood I felt when I came home from Taiwan for three weeks - disoriented of home. I think I prefer the beach here over Taiwan.
you know what, i could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on but il stop for nOw
Currently listening to: the fan turning
Currently reading: alice in wonderland
Currently feeling: lighthearted
