dance dance dance

Along the edges, colors blur at seem familiar.
While you read your magazine,
I was counting all the markers.
And California seemed to draw you like a siren
From a postcard, and a letter, in a frame of film melting.
But under you, I feel your breath move in, out slowly.
Under you, let go completely feeling you take over me. Take over me.
A Hollywood flat where we'd laugh about our fortunes
Well we held jobs in this bar down at 3rd and San Vicente.
And Ramen Noodles at 4:30 in the morning,
When we barely could survive, I was never more alive.
Under you, I feel your blood flowing out slowly.
Under you, let go completely feeling you take over me
You moved in slow degrees
A sudden memory
You're a Leonard Cohen song
But every now and then I'd swear
I see you standing on a sidewalk, in a
Restaurant, from a taxi passing by.
Under you I feel you moving in, out slowly
Under you let go completely feeling you take over me.
Take over me.

Where is the moment we need at the most 
 You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost 
 They tell me your blue skies fade to grey 
 They tell me your passion's gone away 
 And I don't need no carryin' on 
  
 You stand in the line just to hit a new low 
 You're faking a smile with the coffee to go 
 You tell me your life's been way off line 
 You're falling to pieces everytime 
 And I don't need no carryin' on 
  
 Cause you had a bad day 
 You're taking one down 
 You sing a sad song just to turn it around 
 You say you don't know 
 You tell me don't lie 
 You work at a smile and you go for a ride 
 You had a bad day 
 The camera don't lie 
 You're coming back down and you really don't mind                                

You had a bad day 
 You had a bad day 
  
 Well you need a blue sky holiday 
 The point is they laugh at what you say 
 And I don't need no carryin' on 
  
 You had a bad day 
 You're taking one down 
 You sing a sad song just to turn it around 
 You say you don't know 
 You tell me don't lie 
 You work at a smile and you go for a ride 
 You had a bad day 
 The camera don't lie 
 You're coming back down and you really don't mind 
 You had a bad day 
  
 Sometimes the system goes on the blink 
 And the whole thing turns out wrong 
 You might not make it back and you know 
 That you could be well oh that strong 
 And I'm not wrong 
  
 So where is the passion when you need it the most 
 Oh you and I 
 You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost 
  
 Cause you had a bad day 
 You're taking one down 
 You sing a sad song just to turn it around 
 You say you don't know 
 You tell me don't lie 
 You work at a smile and you go for a ride 
 You had a bad day 
 You've seen what you like 
 And how does it feel for one more time 
 You had a bad day 
 You had a bad day

i need love. the kind that makes you wanna live. the kind that makes you wanna breathe.

FUCK OFF, WORLD! I'm not in the mood

i want to go to a place and meet you there everyday.

why would anyone want to know this?? oh well.

went to fullybooked rockwell yesterday to get ideas for my thesis. thought of buying my papito a parenting book, but all i found was guides for new dads so i did not buy nothing. oh well, i should have bought one for him so he could start anew. oh well.

i was overwhelmed by fullybooked branch in powerplant. i had to float around for a while to phathom the gazillion books displayed then eat brunch at oliver's ! i want to consume them all but oh so little time and oh so little money. (but am on my way to be rich and i could buy all the books in that fully booked branch!) 

I went back and browsed through books in the children's area. i was beginning to get bored. at first, the place was impressive and grand, but its palatial facade slowly faded. my delight was rekindled thanks to an unobtrusive book lying on top of a pile - wislawa szymborska's poems new and collected!

to my surprise, i finally saw the book i reserved for a while now but fully booked haven't called me up yet! that made my stay there worthwhile. and then i saw rilke's letters to a young poet! though it was quite expensive for a tiny book - P749 - it's such a treasure, so i grabbed it.

*i will skip the events that followed and jump to my drive home*

i was so bored and the traffic made it even worse. i drove home by myself. i had to turn the radio volume up to 60 so i could not hear my mind complain how bored i was. wala. ayun lang. i'm the kind of person who doesn't get bored easily 'cause i find things to do and get delighted easily, but yesterday was totally different! i was bored. that's it. i just want to emphasize that - how bored i am!

i don't think i like driving anymore. i used to like driving alone, but now it's sooo boring especially when traffic! ok lang kung may pang sight seeing eh.. ako pa naman ay isang gongoozler pero sa maynila?? naku! wala! i need company.  

i still prefer driving over commuting, though. as i've always said, once you get used to someone driving you to school or anywhere, commuting becomes such a pain. besides, whoever wants another encounter with that BS disrepecting neighbor trabahador! BS his ass!

(now, im getting fired up.) dichi said she wants to send me to anger management school. she said i've been very mean lately for wanting to kill, to assasinate, to crash other people's cars, squish stray cats and dogs. wicked. bwahahaha

“Look at me. You can’t possibly be shy. Don’t be scared or dazzled; look me straight in the eye. Now you’ve found the strength to look. Tell me what you see. Tell me. Don’t be afraid of me.”

“I see myself reflected there like a monster of a girl - an image of a liar, of a traitor, and a fool. It’s an awful awful picture, but I can’t help what I am. I’m so ashamed I want to die. I’m such a great big sham.”

there is a longing only you can fill

a raging tempest, only you can still

my soul is thirsty to know you as i'm known

rage from the river that flows before your throne

take me deeper

deeper in love with you

hold me close in your embrace

take me deeper

deeper than i've ever been before

i just wanna love you more and more

how i long to be deeper in love

here i am at malate office taking refuge from DO not wear slippers to school. now im so paranoid. i have to hide my red Beach Walk - not Spartan! - slippers because it's shouting, "take her! take her" and i could see two Roman guards grab and drag me to the lion's den. inside the office, it's like being outside an igloo. although i haven't been outside an igloo, i imagine it would feel like this. could you feel it? isn't it cold? and my fingers type this slow. can you see?

I’m here in the office – Saflex office, that is. It’s official: I am unofficially employed! That is, I am employed but I have not, and I guess, will not be signing a contract. Or is that illegal? Oh well. Here I am taking a break from work –a long break ‘cause no one has called up yet. It’s good ‘cause I could do other stuff besides office-related work. I know I should be doing something with how the company is performing lately. I think this is the time to use the accounting, finance and especially the strategic management skills I’ve learned and still learning in school. I really hope this company performs well under my wing. Although all that’s expected of me is to keep the business running as it is, I know there is something that could be done with the current low performance. The heavy investment of time and money will be wasted if nothing would be done. Upper management thought it best that we close shop – I agreed with them - but the previous officer-in-charge disagreed. Since she’s gone, hmmm, errr, well, let’s just give this another shot.

"there is nothing like your love, your love"
with drumbeats and a soaring crowd in the background. this line keeps resounding in my head right now.
"there is nothing like your love, your love.."
whenever i listen to hillsong, all i see is a clear blue sky with white cotton candies, i mean clouds.

It’s been a while since I’ve listened to this music. I’ve resigned myself from listening to Christian music or have anything to do with Christianity or God or the spiritual realm.nada.

I have not talked anything much about it here. tides are changing once again..

 

it’s full moon again upstairs! And the sky is clear! Hahaha

my ears are bleeding – literally - and I’m here blogging .. and chatting! My ears are ringing. RRrrrriiingg.

inna, gusto ko na ulit mag-drive ng mabilis. sa tingin ko rin na mamatay ako sa isang car accident. it's thrilling. at hindi ako makaintay sa mga mababagal na kotse. mabilis. the clock is ticking sayang oras. hehe

writing has lost
its fascinating novelty
the feeling that whelms
you when you try something
new now it just seeps
like a routine
she has to do to
keep her
from being lonely

no longer delighted
unhappy and bored
let the flower bloom when it wants to

but spring has
yet to come
so she shared
this anticipation with
the night

wake up
to bloom
tomorrow but spring

will not come.

for some reason, we met everyday. i bid for you sometimes you bid for me. we talked about anything and everything. i delighted in you. you became a habit -  like second nature - then a craving, an addiction.

there's a saying that one should be careful about one's habits 'cause  habits put together is who you are and it shapes your destiny.. or something like that... i don't remember exactly. but i now know for certain you will never be my destiny simply because i'm not your destiny.

and so, i'm taking on a new habit. i'm gonna do it often everyday, think about it every moment, yearn for it with all my being. i'm gonna crave it so much i'll forget i'm addicted to you.

i want to cry to let it out but tears are not falling. all right all right. let the inevitable proceed. the fact is, i'm not gonna finish my thesis this term - again.

wait,

*RAAAaaaaWWHHHHH*

hagh..

okay okay. bye bye to a clean record (and all that comes with it). goodbye advance enrollment. hello 0.0! *waving at each other*

i dont know why i feel heavy hearted. prolly letting go of all the aforementioned. but it isn't all that bad -really. i've always said i want to have a failing grade in school, getting a 0.0, just because i wanna try it; i want to experience it. (i was glad i was sent out by junette. i needed those kinda stuff.) besides, a no-failing record wouldn't make me rich, moreover, a 0.0 wouldn't make me poor. Advance enrollment wouldn't matter as much because i'm nearing the end of my stay in da green school. i'm just not sure if a career in procter and gamble would still be plausible. hahaha

i warned my mom bout this in advance, just before midterms this second term. she was cool with it.

aahhhh falling...

sometimes when we're falling we don't want to admit it, and so we try to hold on but we're still falling and this creates all the tension. but when we let go, then we're free.  (i didn't  use da first person pov just because i think it sounds better in 2nd person. hehe)

it will only take me a miracle to change all these. a miracle that i would really finish my not-even-half-done thesis. well, not just a miracle, hard,really hard work and a miracle are needed. hay. but it seems like a miracle is much more possible than the other. haha. i'm just waiting for the fall, i guess. i want a fresh start again. holding on is tiring. (or am i giving up? i don't know. but if i really am, giving up brings so much peace.)

in this "fall" i want to fall hard para matauhan nman 'tong sarili. (sinong tao kaya ang papasukan ko..i'm imaganing i'm a shadow jumping and entering a person hehe) what am i doing with my life? i know i've been swept over and over by my emotions back to shore that i couldn't set sail beyond .. i couldn't do the things i'm supposed to do, like this freakin thesis. a lot of things have been delayed. most of my dreams include water and it just shows that fact. leaping into rivers, caught up in the rain, tsunamis, swinging on top of raging rivers, etc.(wow, i'm sharing my dreams. i'm charging you for that.)

i left God for this life. is it worth it? hmm

that's for another time.

~hot fudge sundaes and toffee nut latte!~

my two new paborits! i dont think it's really a craving 'cause i'm okay with one. too much is enough. this was different with wicked green tea frappe i couldn't get enough of it. i think too much sweets now makes me dizzy. but still love 'em!

love alcohol too. gotta have some. good thing we have some wine here in da house! 13.5% alcohol come here. white wine for breakfast later 'nyone?

ONE STICK LEFT

that's all that's left of my camel supply. i stopped by parco supermarket to buy some mild seven but it turned out they were out of stock - air supply. (and so, i jst bought pink shoe laces!) i miss the taste of my first time. camel tastes like lingering black coffee - not bad though. i didn't buy from shell where i stopped by to put some air in my tires 'cause their profit margin was high. one box costs P80! you could get one at P50! ...just sharing how i spend on my vice.

CeeDeeS

my amateur ears are telling me that cynthia and kitchie's voices seem to sound alike sometimes. their husky, vocal gymnastics reminds me of the other. nevertheless, i think cynthia have a more magical delicacy and her music has something to do with it.

I just bought Cynthia Alexander's Comet's Tail at tower a while ago. YeY. i think it's gonna be my bohemian Christmas soundtrack! cynthia's as magical as turqoise blue and violet balloons. (i regret not buying da soundtrack of UP's rama't sita puppet production...now i dont know where to look for it. "hanap ng hanap kay sita. hanap ng hanap 'd makita." )

my to-buy list includes: cynthia's ripping yarns (yes, cynthia. close kami. =p) switchfoot. kelly clarkson - for thoughtless moments. madonna. siouxsie and the banshees! -weeeh. the late isabel. alicia keys unplugged! apo hiking society. don mclean. the new radicals. gin blossom. marcy's playground. air. ben folds five. black eyed peas. garbage. no doubt. shawn colvin. mulato. daniel powter. dawn dineros.

quiapo, i miss you already. when oh when shall i see thee again.

HARRY gary henny benny jenny mary POTTER

near the end da professor told harry to be careful to do the right thing instead of just da easy thing. or something like that. tinamaan ako.

PLEASANT BER-WINDS and STRAWBERRY FIELDS

i hate the fact that now that the air is nice and cool, i'm not into it. what a waste of pleasant weather. (as if all my weather sentiments are shared by everyone. bwahaha. in my world, yes!)  i say pleasant 'cause these ber-winds make me feel all nice and kind. two months earlier, i would have loved it; but now, all i want is warm sunny days. da cool air makes me feel, well, cold, and also pleasant all of a sudden, without even an interval of just "wala lang." it doesn't complement my sobriety. it feels like i'm supposed to accelerate my moving on, getting over stage and start changing! i don't want! but maybe it's about time..

all of a sudden i could feel baguio here in manila! all pleasantness surrounding me once again. memories of strawberry picking in strawberry fields flashback on my skin. i remember times when da ladypicker would find da wounded strawberries i hid behind leaves because i picked them da wrong way. i should've eaten and enjoyed them right there so she wouldn't discover it. but instead she found out i wasted precious strawberries and then tried hiding them. hahaha

i wanna go back to baguio and the strawberry fields again. reminds me of my papito...

why is it i get so emotional when i think about him?

CROSSROADS. LOA on LOA

gonna go to crossroads later. morning i hope. maybe il take a leave on my church LOA for a while. i don't really know what i'm searching for maybe what she found.. maybe il know when i find it.

i also wanna go to vcf later but i dont know wat time their service starts. ezra said their main service is in da afternoon. maybe il go to both. crossroads and vcf and maybe ccf na rin. church hoppin'! hahaha

don't wanna sleep anymore. i thought of chatting but no one's there to chat with. everyone's asleep, i guess, except for tim and me. we said we're gonna do our assignments pero siya lang. hehe.

CABLE-less

besides saving energy, i must say i love the fact that the cable disconnection has temporarily erased frustrating scenes in this house - although mamita would disagree because she seems very anxious to have cable back on.

i'm guiltlessly happy 'cause i don't see papito thoughtlessly staring at the television set on da wrestling channel for almost 3 weeks. i just discovered that he isn't really watching what's on television. when i ask him who's his favorite, he doesn't even know their names! a while ago, when i told him that eddie guerrero died, he replied, "who's that?" ?!?! considering he's been watching wrestling everyday for as long as i could remember! da sound of raging voices over bare body battering in mismatched fights lulls him into contemplation of sorts.

another similarly postponed scene is lizeil's thoughtless staring at the boob tube. i think anyone could attest how long hours of television zaps you out of your consciousness and leaves you floating into a semi-dimension of whatever. i hate seeing her get wasted especially on weekends and wish for things on television. it brings a person to a place of semi's. you're intrigued by what you see and wanna try it, have it, do it, see it, taste it, experience it. but after a while, saturation kicks in. osmosis. kulubot appears. by that time, you feel like you've tried it already after long and multiple exposures and so you don't get to do the real thing.

you get to do some but these are rare times. you're used to not doing anything and so most of your time you're just "sitting, waiting and wishing," as one songer sang. teevee is an okay distraction once in a while but a whole two days on tv is a waste.

it's just exanimating to see them such. at least when i'm here in front of this pc i'm still exhibiting my relational aspect as a person (relstri ko napulot).

but maybe there's some sense from that. we need a break from relations as well and become spiritless - or let go of our spirits for a while and let it float.

MAYBE MAYBE

this post is full of maybe's. maybe if i CTRL-C and CTRL-V this onto MS Word, i would get, maybe, 20 maybe's in word search.

ECCLESIASTES 1:2

   "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
       says the Teacher.
       "Utterly meaningless!
       Everything is meaningless."

i hear fire truck sirens; help is coming. give way.

1. listen 2. believe 3. obey 4. wait

You are the One; there's no one else
Who lifts me up
And gives me water from the well
But there's a hole
That seems to drain it all away
And once again I'm left in fear and doubt
When all my strength is crying out

So here I am again
Willing to be opened up and broken like a flower in the rain
Tell me what have I to do
To die and then be raised
To reach beyond the pain
Like a flower in the rain

The evil wind, it blows a storm
To rock my world
Just when I think I'm safe and warm
I'm led astray far too easily
It's always hard for me to say I'm wrong
Until I know I can't go on

So here I am again
Willing to be opened up and broken like a flower in the rain
Tell me what have I to do
To die and then be raised
To reach beyond the pain
Like a flower in the rain

You have searched me
And know when I sleep and when I rise
You're familiar with all my ways
Even the darkness will shine
Like the day
When you look into my heart

-chris eaton

I cradled my heart to the floor of the bathroom. (Or was it pain I cradled?) Thanks to the floor which barred it from falling further, its coldness making itself felt as I cried. My naked back rested on the cold, faded terracotta-colored tiles that surrounded the entire chamber.

start crying
the sun is here to outline your pain
here to count the carats on those diamonds
trickling from the mine that is your eyes

don't you see
the moon's too dim to notice you
it has no ears it can't hear your wailings
but i didn't say the sun has ears either
its light comes from its own not borrowed

come on start playing
why don't ya
why so shy all of a sudden
there's no such thing as half a carat

but oh yes you are special

"you are my supply
my breath of life
still more awesome than i know
you are my reward
worth living for
still more awesome than i know

all of you is more than enough for
all of me for every thirst and every need
you satisfy me with your love
and all i have in you is more than enough"

~chris tomlin, enough