dance dance dance

our house has a very stron entropic tendency just like me. i don't know if its my house or simply its residents. someone please dare me to move.

For a while i thought the sky was my home. then i was brought down to the floor.
The sadness, blankness, shallowness, the frustration, non-committments, and non-committals are showing on my face.
Whom will i listen to? There's a thin line between giving up and letting go.

my eyes are getting smaller and smaller. heavier and heavier. "if beauty killed the beast," i think sadness will kill me.

nothing means anything anymore. delight does not come as easily as before. at least before she makes me happy. i'm staring but not blankly beyond the window, like an old woman in a retirement home. No image could be sadder. pity me. symphathize with me. look at me. just look at me. but no one pities a youth staring at who know what. in thi solititude. im one with my sdness. as i try to articualte this train of thoughts my memory of it receds and cringes like a hermit crab retreats and also how a squid flees - well, like blank ink.... or perhaps a skunk with its stench.
photography seems to lose its hold on me. images no longer delight me as before. perhaps the reason is i refuse to capture my madness in other people. or maybe i'm just lazy. no i think im just mad.
i used to think Gloria was my mother then now i believewith all my heart it's Lolita.
I feel so betrayed by the heart i keep in my chest.
how dare you fool me with your wandering affections.
"there's life outside your madness." where?


zabazeebazum
dabading dabadoo
i'm tired of having you as the subject of my poetry

to my inna dear. how are you?
the camera have been kidnaped to places such as cotabato and baguio. ive yet to ransom it to take pictures of me and my newsboy.
let's chat soon. perhaps thursday 1pm. will u be there?

intersection of maria clara and mayon.
from 40-50 kph a blue honda civic halted to 0 kph
from 50-60 kph a red isuzu ? halted to 0kph

it's so funny how we just stopped at the same time. honda's right blue corner met with isuzu's left red corner. neither one of us honked our horns. really cool. two people knew they were too much of in a hurry to stop and look for other cars. no one blamed anyone. we both stopped and then moved on. i think the red one accelerated from 0-40 in 5 sec. me, 0-20. hahaha

amazing day. looking back for the last 14 1/2 hours of being awake. detachment. i thought being detached meant being cold, unfeeling, dispassionate. not the adjectives i want to describe myself. today, however, made me think of detachment differently.

being detached doesnt necessarily mean being the aforementioned adjectives. my happiness, my mood, what i thought about myself was not as much affected by the circumstances, by other people, or even by what i thought i was capable of being and doing.

i was free. perhaps that's the best way to put it. i was not bound by anything. well, i was bound by the fact that i needed to finish my thesis. hehe well, finally, something progressive. ganun pala yung feeling when you're really focused in what you're doing. ganun pala yun. focus and concentration.

i was not affected by circumstances as much. ganun pala. others' moods or my perceptions of people's perceptions of me didn't affect me as much. as long as i did wat i havta do to finish the work, i did it and i was content.

i wasn't bound by how i thought of myself, what my previous performance in school, time, thesis, business, saflex, whatever. what happened before doesn't matter anymore. what matters is now. my lousy habits before dont need to control me. i had da power to change that. so that's what it means to become really conscious - and im only just beginning!

dont get me wrong my day and the previous days weren't really "Great" in da normal sense. thesis shoots were moved. actors cancelled on the last minute. actors were unavailable for future shoots. incompetence, poor time management, unorganized, stress, piles of saflex work! whatever. basta sabog! haha

well, dat doesn't matter as much anymore. maybe it's da hours in mobile university, reading helpful books, being around positive people that helped. perhaps it's the self-talk (mos helped a lot too!) - talkin (positively this time: "back to work", "do it now", "you're a positive loving person"), listenin to myself, to the universe. energy. return on energy.

it's a loveRly feelin. it's heaven. heaven on earth. heaven in me.

tough love sabi ni mentor ahya ge. yea. perhaps dats it. tough love on yourself and others. whines are petty. sometimes you have to kick your own ass.

4pm
hello!
its amazing how being in my philper class gets me so in the mood. everything about it. the people, the coolness of the aircon, the professor, the lecture, my classmates, argh. i dont know.

i need to have conversations. argh jst watched the last samurai last night .crush ko na ata si ken watanabe. i stopped myself from stopping myself from crying. especially when Katsumoto killed himself to retain his honor. haay. gravedacious those people could live with such discipline. sometimes i think i need that. some kind of peaceful place where i practice my craft, live. "life in every breath." "no mind." id love to live in old japan. even for a day. prolly as a man - as a samurai. wow.

i need to meet gwen again. hargh!! or someone.

i like what some person wrote six months ago in "Who i want to Meet" part in friendster: "You don't meet friends, they just happen."

That struck me. I go around meeting people looking and making friends. But most lack the depth i need and want. All right perhaps i spread myself too much, perhaps i want to be everybody's everything or more than just someone to someone, but not anymore i guess - just to mean a lot to some i care about is enough. - but who stops you from becoming everything to everyone, ika nga ni kanye west.
another thing is that you can't force things to people.

10pm

im happy with today. although started unplanned, it ended well with insights wiser. thanks joey for your encouragements. gravedacious if not, i might have sunken down very low.

tapos na MFI thesis defense!! yey

anyway, im really tired, physically. though id still love to have conversations. shux.

chi-chi's birthday today!

hearing pat and marguerite share their story is such a treat! their presentation was like a theatrical dialogue between them and the audience. Pat was particularly funny.

ive concluded that there is only two differences between them and me, ordinary people. first, they made a LOT more mistakes than we did and they learned from those mistakes, of course. second, they helped a LOT, i mean, a LOT more people achieve and live out their dreams than we have.

so i guess what we could do is keep making more mistakes. well, do more. more mistakes imply more action done. so more action!

another is help more people. they've touched more lives and they got rewarded for it. it's such a wonderful thing. life is only fair - in this sense.

nevertheless, you cannot give what you have not own. so we have to own enough of ourselves to be able to give of ourselves like that. we have to focus on who we are first! the BE part.

Note: pat and marguerite are $20million earners in this sharing business. so that is around 1 billion pesoses!

When i attend my own funeral, this is what i want to hear people say about me:


Family members
someone:
-whom i am proud of as a daughter, sister and relative;
-that i am not ashamed of;
-whom i had a fun, nurturing, intimate and full relationship with;
-i enjoy being with and miss when away;
-who will not let me down.
i want my family to know i love them.

Friends

someone:
-who has been with me in my tough moments and supported me;
-who has celebrated with my victories;
-who's good company in boring times;
-who listened;
-who enjoyed my company;
-who i love doing favors for;
-who cared;
-who is not alanganin;
-who was always on my side;
-who said and did things that should be said and done.
i want to help them become the best they can be.

Business/Work Peers

someone:
-who communicates her vision well and inspires others to join her and become part of it;
-responsible;
-committed to finishing the work excellently;
-who keeps her word;
-delivers more than what is expected;
-adds value to the market place;
-who does not waste time;
-never lets me down.







actually im quite surprised that i was in a state of "flow." i wrote with little pauses and i was very direct and honest when i enumerated all these. im even more surprised that it is not tied with any occupation or activity - stuff that ive always said i wanted to be or do. perhaps that's what we mean by values and principles or the things that really matter to me - notwithstanding whether i achieve them or not. but i know that my ultimate happiness depends on the desire and ability to align my thoughts and actions with these values and principles that i hold.

im tempted to say, "pardon, for being too serious." ive always associated seriousness with being boring and dull and stiff! - characteristics which i dread! well, its not the case at all. it's actually fun doing this. perhaps im in this time of my life where im really growing (exponentially?). it's so fun. ive always wanted to grow and stretch. ive never really known how and i also have little idea why. i think at the present, im more aware of why and how.

i guess my "Why's" are the aforementioned enumerations above. the how's - well, im thankful for the business and life mentors that surround me - from friends to business associates. the books have helped me a lot as well.

dont get me wrong, i was not always enthusiastic about reading self-help books. when i was younger i was very interested in reading them but it never really lasted maybe because the effects were not really sustained. perhaps i did not have the emotional maturity, the support and other things then - am not so sure why - but now, i do. it's fantastic! interdepence at work!

everyone should read the 7habits! everyone!


now, what's your funeral speeches gonna be like?

some wise words from

dolly parton: "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain."


Sir Osborn Sitwell: "In reality, killing time
Is only the name for another of the multifarious ways
By which Time kills us."



all works by Nita Leland.
wander wonder at www.nitaleland.com

im home!
feels a bit strange. i arrived home around 530 and it was still bright.

i love today's weather. feels like september!

beautiful.
awesome.

9 PM. i couldn't wait to get home. i was having wonderful musings i just had to write them down. i dont know if i would be able to capture it here though. i wish u were reading my mind.

i came from the chinese general hospital and bambang. we visited ae. health is wealth and we should start investing NOW. my visit was an affirmation. we do not want to be a liability or a burden to our loved ones, right? we do not want them constantly worrying about us, nagging us, with their physical and emotional health going down with us, right? then let's do something and take responsiblity of our well-being!

tonight was the first time i was at peace with staying inside a hospital. usually,id always imagine that whenever i - defenseless without full-body suit with mask - enter a hospital, dadapo sa akin yung mga virus at sakit and i would come out ill or at least less healthy. (i'm a very visual person.) don't u ever feel that way when u're around someone ill?

well, tonight was different. i felt peace. i knew i am taking LifePak and i know my health defenses are stronger. some might say "it's mind over matter." but heck, if it would bring me peace, why not? but i know for the fact that it's not jst "mind over matteR." it's the real thing. tests, experiments have been made by harvard, stanford, tufts, shanghai and other prestigeous medical institutions that prove its effectivity. besides that, informal experiments have been made by others, even me. kapag hindi ako nag-teteyk, bumabalik na naman yung allergic rhinitis ko. ewan ko sa iba, pero ako, im willing to do what it takes so il wake up in the morning refreshed and not grumpy and irritable without uhog coming down from my nose!

Contemplations on I/Thou, Love lives, POV's, Interdependence, pour-soi,

,... blah just read

perhaps this "flow" im in is a result of "jst doing it." i mean doing what your mind says is right and your heart says you should do. for me, today, it was cautioning a woman about the harmful effects of leaving an open can with its contents still inside. i just had to do it. i had to share what i know. i dont want that woman's mother to become more ill without warning her bout that possiblity. it may seem like a little thing but i mean if i didn't do it, i would have deprived myself of such joy and tranquility right now. facing the unknown and doing the uncomfortable was worth it. "in truth, one step at a time is not too difficult."

after CGH, i hatid mommy to bambang. i didnt understand what made her want to go to the prayer meetings everytime - although because of experience, i may have some idea. at times, i dont want her to go to those kindof things because i think it makes her a passive person. but sometimes it makes her even proactive - well, active in church activities. it's so wonderful to come to a point where you come from a point where your primary objective is to understand another person. jst that. for the sake of understanding. i wanted to understand and find out WHY, what made my mom tick? "seek first to understand" ika nga.
secrets ba mga 'to ba't ngayon ko lang nalaman?

---

i think it is possible to love someone unconditionally. it's a choice you make everyday. as in yung you just love a person because you love. that love maybe expressed (come out) in a seemingly conditional way but it may really be unconditional. i could hear robert solomon argue with me. well, kaya nga it's both feelings and choice noh! i dont think you could jst love with feeling or just love with actions. mind/feeling/heart and actions should be congruent.

some would argue naman na we are not capable of loving unconditinally because we are humans. our love has shortcomings because we are imperfect. well, that's your POV. ok. point taken.

so paano na if you dont feel love anymore? so what do you do "when the feeling is gone"? would you just ask for a little honesty like kyla? hehehe

hmmm, i think we should not always and not fully rely on emotions. sometimes when circumstances such as that arise, we could revert back to the past when we said "i love you" and said, "i'm gonna love this person," and choose at that present moment whether or not to love. if you choose that you are going to love, then that is love. you still love that person. the feeling will eventually come back.

what about those na nag-break na? well, i dont know if they have fully explored that love of theirs, but i still think what the couple had is love. then, they had the feeling. then, they chose to act on that feeling.

i think the mere act of choosing or moment of decision is love already. that is, it's part of an essential requisite to say that it is love. you water that love by actions. perhaps, at the present, they may still have the feeling but they don't act on it. others, seemingly "love" with their actions but with no feelings. paano kaya yun?

*all these are external "assessments" of whether what one feels or experiences is love or not. ultimately, only the individual will know whether he/she loveth or not.

now, i permit myself to scrutinize the "love lives" of other people. (as if we could separate love from other aspect of our lives. if we dont love, are we still alive?) and the "other", we define ourselves on the look of the other. i look on myself, is that objectifying myself? am i in in an i/it relationship with myself already?
(someone please enlighten me.)

hmm kaninong love lives ba? my parents? hmmm my friends? hehe my own? hmm im sleepy na.. perhaps some other time..

Ganito na lang:
Application of lesson on love: Love affair with chocolates. write a one page, single-spaced,12font size paper on this topic. submit three days after you see a chocolate!

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treating my paper as a blog entry is much better than treating it as a required paper. oh oh! love is like art. it is the thing. it is the process. "it is the shadow of the thing. it is thing causing the shadow." (milton glaser art ideas)

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i/thou. i feel and choose you. i treat you as a pour-soi, nothingness,consciousness, a person with no essence, with total freedom. i love you.

i want to take a line from a song,
" i choose to love you
here in this moment
to reach out
and touch your heart."

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hmmm, i want to own myself to be able to give of myself. "you can't give what you don't have. "i can't give love if i dont love myself. i can't give money if i dont have. i cant give help if i dont help myself - for how would i know what help is? "you cant live with others if you cant live with yourself."

in conjunction with that, i think that "self-realization" or personal victory or other phrases we may call it will only be fully realized with other people. i think that is the essence of interdependence. we could only be independent at a certain level and not fully or "thing-in-itself" independent and be a full person.

we are still free but we need others. "hell is the other." hell may be the other. i also think heaven is the other and self happy together.
(if you say you don't need others, well, perhaps, it is i who need.
i need.

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to end, id like to ask what my friend Nisha ask in our TV production class, "Did Abraham Maslow get to reach self-actualization?"