dance dance dance

i'm scared.



























this too shall pass...

were all my dreams premonition?

"hahaha to you now."






absurdity.





nothing in life now seems impossible. except for time. imminent death.


pag nasa tabi mo na ang kamatayan, wala ka nang ikatatakot pa. iyon na. it's final. wats next. wala na. kung meron man hindi ko na alam. life is all we have. ganun pala. walang na akong kinatatakutan. wala. wala. wala.

tang ina. tang ina.



pucha.






"kailan ka pupunta rito?"




"ah, hindi, ae. hehe"


"o"


"ae?
"ae?
"ikaw ba yan?"











"ae?"













































3 missed calls from ae.

i've hugged my dad. i am happy.

hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko rito sa thesis ko. naiinis ako na ang pangit ng mga nakuha kong ritrato! alam niyo ba yung mga commercials ng mga unknown brand ng candy, ng pabango, etsetera sa dyaryo? well, parang ganun. nakakahiya yung quality ng work. halatang hindi binuhusan ng isip at oras. parang.. parang old low-budget pinoy films? hindi bold film ha. kasi pag bold film at least, may iilang manununuod na nag-eenjoy. alam mo na. yung akin. walang appeal. grabe. hmm well hindi nga rin old low-budget pinoy films eh kasi at least ngayon parang hmmm vintage na sila. ala tito, vic and joey.

maski pangit ang ritrato at least puwede naman salvage-in thru photoshop diba? eh anak ng computer mouse poo-poo, ano ba alam ko sa digital manipulation!

pwede naman ako kumuha ulit kaso wala yung mga artisita ko - thesis din ung isa, yung isa lunod sa studies, yung isa nagttrabaho na - minsan tinatamad lang akong yayain sila.

sino kaya pwede? oh well, but wat would make me say na the pictures will turn out better this time? oh well, siguro dahil now i know better. i could see the scenes now. and i could feel it. i passed the breakthrough point. this is gonna be good. marami tao dyan. so mga models, pumila na....

naku akala ko ba puro ranting lang 'tong entry na 'to. anywayz..

naiinis ako sa mga punyetang walang malasakit na cesar na yan at ang tatay nilang pinag-aral na ngayo'y natutulog lang habang ang nag pakain sa kanya ay namamatay? put the imahen down!

hmm hindi ako galit. naiinis lang. some people are just ingrata!
granite? yum i like. lime granite please..
as i was saying, i know, there are times that i am like that too. i just take without giving others their due thanks. there is much to be learned. moral lesson of the story: is there a lesson that's not moral? yes. so it's not redundant. ok. lotsa lesson to be learned from ae's life. it's funny that my angry mental poevomits about ae are still in my phone's draft folder.

now, there's jst sympathy and sorry and love and affection and gratitude i feel towards her. frustration to myself. oh well. by the way, lately i stumbled upon anais nin. interesting.

anyways, ngayon iniintay ko na lang yung mani na pinabili ko kay mike. tagal naman niya. dyan lang sa kanto yun ah. incidentally, baka makatulong ang mani.

two o' clock na pala.
nothing would be better than a vanilla tobacco tonight.
watched closer. frida.

it's funny that i choose to spend my tuesday 2 in the morning doin this. i like it though.
smetimes i dont know what i feel anymore. sometimes i correct myself whether what i say i feel is the right one or not. why can't i just feel and not explain anymore.

i was at starbucks again earlier from 330 to 830. wow 5 hours pala. i was with a friend. we go way back. it's really cool. ganun pala. there are some people na you could really talk deep or i mean at your same level. siya mejo ibang level kami. i mean ibang part ng continuum lang i guess. iba siya iba ako but it was good. different could be good.

i think my mind's been through a lot, adulterated, enlightened, whatevever watchamakolit. sabi nga ng isang nagsasabi, once a person's mind is expanded, hindi na babalik.

i realize lately that our family is an existentialist home. lahat puwede sobrang liberal. da ideal democracy. naiinis lang ako dahil nalilimit ko yung sarili ko eh.ako yung boundary. which is more depressing. sabi nga sa closer eh about depressed people.

kaya ngayon

interesting.

this word never fails.

it's interesting that people know my blog name even if i dont post my site anymore. some people care. thank you. some people just read, cool. hihi

i wonder though. hindi ko alam kung may nakakabasa nito na ayaw kong mabasa nila. alam mo yun. like my sisters! bwahahaha

as i think about wat to write my world start to get smaller. it seems like the flaps of the walls around me are slowly creased to make a smaller box. can you imagine it?

i know why that happens. because all i think about is ME.

hmmm (i like this word. is it even a word?!) anywayz, hmmm, let's try this for a change (instead of thinkin of things that would make me happy, what i'd like to become, who i like, whatever chu chu), let's do this - what i could do for others. yeah yeah yeah. part of me is saying *corny corny pop pop popcorn* heck

*this is boring*



hihi


save the world!


ito na lang. i was at isla puting bato friday afternoon. helped out with crdc (citizen's response and disaster center - or something like that) for out community feeling. magulo. mainit. maingay ang mga tao. as in magulo, mainit, at maingay ang mga tao! haba ng pila ng mga nagcclaim ng relief goods (i.e. isang plastic bag ng bigas, dalawang putol ng baretang panlaba, isang pakete ng mantika). actually ang ginawa lang namin (mga rels4 groupmates ko) dun ay nagcheck ng mga stubs nila at pinapirma sila na claim na.

it was a good feeling. masarap maski magulo, mainit, at maingay. masarap tumulong.

do u know what a self-skeptic is?

are you one?

i dont wanna bore you with my troubles.
there's something bout your love,
makes me weak and knocks me of my feet.
you know i love you. i love you. i love you.

I owe so much
to those I don’t love.

The relief as I agree
that someone else needs them more.

The happiness that I’m not
the wolf to their sheep.

The peace I feel with them,
the freedom –
love can neither give
nor take that.

I don’t wait for them,
as in window-to-door-and-back.
Almost as patient
as a sundial,
I understand
what love can’t.
and forgive
as love never would.

From a rendezvous to a letter
is just a few days or weeks,
not an eternity.

Trips with them always go smoothly,
concerts are heard,
cathedrals visited,
scenery is seen.

And when seven hills and rivers
come between us,
the hills and rivers
can be found on any map.

They deserve the credit
if I live in three dimensions,
in nonlyrical and nonrhetorical space
with a genuine, shifting horizon.

They themselves don’t realize
how much they hold in their empty hands.

“I don’t owe them a thing,”
would be love’s answer
to this open question.

Wislawa Szymborska

i'm in awe.
i'm everything and nothing to myself

how can i blame myself?
i'm an artist
a visual artist at that
am i not supposed to judge
people on how they look?
also am i not supposed to judge
people not on how they look?

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"maybe it's not true
love on the tv
just like we imagine it"
-shiny red balloon, bc

yeah. love can't be that short.



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