dance dance dance

inaakit na naman ako ng sahig...

pati yung mga mata ko, gusto na lang nakapikit.

but i'm holding on to what Adam Brody's character in The Jacket said, "Trust me, life's better when you're awake."



unti-unting binubuo yung aking puso.
kinukulayan gamit ang krayola, binabago, inaayos, nilalagyan ng bagong materyales, tinatakpan yung ibang luma.
masakit pala siya.
ganun pala yun.
minsan nga lang nakakalimutan na masaya rin. when you detach yourself from yourself for a while, you find out it's fascinating - imagining for a while that i'd smile when i look back at it in the future.
katuwa, kakaiba, bago.



life is wonderful, magic

it's also pain, tears, despair, unhappiness

that's why we have lacrimal ducts

it's all right to cry my dear

ok lang ok lang

when i was younger, i want to be an 18-wheeler truck driver in the desert in the Middle East. i would have my own "trailer" air-conditioned house inside. At night, i would stop in the middle of the desert and gaze at the stars and the moon in the sky.

i also want to drive a jeepney. gusto kong subukang nagsusukli ng bayad habang nagbababa ng pasahero kung saan saan. on a hot summer day with the little electric fan turning, i'm driving along metro manila with little traffic with a long white towel laced around my neck collecting the sweat down my neck.

i also want to drive a bus, a school bus that is. That even has a "Stop" sign that's latched along the side of the bus. it turns and displays "Stop" when the children cross the street.

i also want to drive a VW Beetle, hearing the engine. chug chug chug.

i also want to be a taxi driver. driving around the city at night. lead me to a place you want to go; i'll take you to places you've never been. pay me with your smile and time. pay me with your words and stories that fill the spaces of time in my head. i'll smile to let you know i'm listening.

tara na, biyahe tayo!

"Go within and scale the depths of your being from which your very life springs forth." -Rilke

This is one of the hardest things in the world, but one of the most rewarding.

"I wanted only to advise you to progress quietly and seriously in your evolvement. You could greatly interfere with that process if you look outward and expect to obtain answers from the outside - answers which only your innermost feeling in your quietest hour can perhaps give you."

listen. listen. listen.

once you know it, tell it as it is. put it all on the line and pay the price to get the prize.

can you say it with me?
"vision."
again, please.
"vision."

three times.
"vision. vision. vision."

i'm lovin' that word.

do you have one?

what's your vision for yourself? for your future?

--

discipline.

(yuck!!! hahaha. i hate that word - actually, really. but heck. i should learn to accept it though. well, i don't have to. i'm surviving. heck, i want to. i want to more than just survive, you know. it's the first victory we could have - self-discipline. get a grip of yourself. it's so easy to fail. do nothing. ho hum let it slide! yeah! haha kaso lang, we can't slide up to the mountain. pano yan? gusto ko pa naman nung view. ano, content ourselves with the pictures of top taken by others?!)

"I define self-control, in the beginning of life, as the choice of achieving what I really want by doing things I really don't want to do. Once this becomes a habit, discipline becomes the choice of achieving what I really want by doing the very things I now want to do! I really believe that a disciplined life becomes a joy - but only after we have worked hard to practice it."

this is the study of life. the study of the best things. sana kasali ka rin. i want you to have the best of you that you deserve. you're magnificent.

--

mediocrity over the exceptional. hmmm let's pass mediocrity for a while. there's so much of it going around. no need to study it.
being exceptional, now that's something.

significance over success

now that's really something. how significant are you to the people around you?

I've been privy to many privileged things. My eyes have been open to things i've never seen before but were just there. i'm sorry for not revealing them to you. My eyes have been concealed and my mouth has been sealed by the dark, the good, and the comfortable 'cause it's not normal to see and talk about such things.

I've not fully participated in these 'cause i've been so afraid of what others may say. Successful people do what unsuccessful people are not willing to do in order to get what unsuccessful people can never get. It's difficult because change is difficult. I agree with what my friend Laura Kaufman said,

"I was afraid. We're all afraid of change, right, and in making that change. What's so fearful about really achieving the success and being in your brilliance is that you're afraid of being different. Not that you have to change, but what others' perception of you is going to be. Because i think, most of us, although we dream about how wonderful it would be to be exceptional, and to have all this money and to do these wonderful things, the fear of what you might lose is bigger than that dream because the people around you might not love you as much. What people think about us is important to us, right? There are very very few of us who don't give a damn of what somebody else say about us."

So i hold on to what she said afterwards,

"I promise you that being exceptional is a lot better than being the same. I promise you that. You gonna have to let go of that fear and get into that 'cause it will be."