dance dance dance

all you can see is a young girl in gym tights walking with oversized yellow t-shirt with a minnie mouse print walking towards retiro.

....

the comfort that you don't own your friend but you know that you are together and for each other. that openness and intimacy available without complications and expectations. that touch is necessary for tenderness (i love this word). that vulnerability is okay. where differences are celebrated with booming laughter. that time together is not an interruption of life but essential for its sanity. that craziness and spontaneity is welcomed any time. aloofness is nothing but nothing. that being apart does not mean separateness.

more than just exist, it takes more to be alive. inside the car, i had so many thoughts i'd want to write down. as i sit down in front of the computer, the thoughts just dissipated.

it's okay. more than just thoughts, it's what i'm living out.

i'm happy right now, even though i'm more sedated than i was earlier. i'm gonna start packing now. see you soon.

so this is it. maybe. maybe there's really more. maybe this is it.
what is essential is invisible to the eye.
"to the world, you may be just one person. but to one person, you may be the world."

--

"the dog let us know by what it did that it's all right to love him. and maybe you looked like you didn't need love, and that you weren't loveable"

"well, i want you all to know that i am."

and then she got into all fours and crawled into the group. and she got so much lovin', you wouldn't believe it!

so you could sit there and die of loneliness or you could speak out. you could say to somebody, "i need you." it's the greatest compliment.

you're also gonna find people that are afraid that when you say "i need you" they're going to run. but they're not the people you needed anyway so let them go.

(stolen)

--

the voices in my head are oh so loud and noisy! about everything and everyone.

i need you.

i need us to listen to each other.

if everything goes well, what do you want? what would you want?

i need to be and i want to be blue diamond asap. i can wait but the people i love and care about can't. the people around me can't. this is for them.

i want us to be together on our journey. i didn't ask what i want, i know. i'm sorry. i'm sorry to myself too. let's talk about it,k?

"simple lang, ginagawang komplikado."
ikaw lang naman ang gusto...

--

nararamdaman mo ba yung buhok mo?
i mean without touching it with your hands or your face?

--

okay lang pala magshare ng sarili. buhay pa naman ako. maski nababaliw at naloloka paminsan, buhay pa rin. now in terms of sharing yourself, you don't really lose yourself. it's sharing. the load becomes lighter, which is fantastic.

mas magaan na rin makipag-usap ng ibang tao (ngayong araw), kaibigan o strangers man.
nawawala na yung konseptong "kailangan i-please ang taong 'to."

if you become less self conscious or accept yourself, you become lighter. it's a wonderful feeling to be able to hug and love yourself.

--

ang buhay ay araw-araw binubuhay. yes, i may dream of the future, reminisce about the past yet life is lived in the present. every moment. every moment. that means i don't have to worry about tomorrow. it's now that i have. (ibang klase talaga pag ma-realize ko ito than just hearing or reading about this over and over. i just have to have my light bulb being lighted up!)

--

this time it's the real thing, not just a figment of my imagination.
it's good 'cause it's real pain, it's real joy, it's real time, it's real life.

--

hindi ako makatulog kagabi.
sobra
kinukulit ako ni pag-aalala
sino ba kasi ang inaalala at ano
sino at maraming ano
hay
buti nakatulog din
nagising ako
ang bigat naman ngayong umaga
wala akong gana kumain ngayon
pero minsan matakaw pa rin
pumapayat raw ako
ang gaan nga ng tiyan ko eh
kagabi pumunta ako sa ministop
nakita ko isang helera sa likod ng cashier
gusto ko bumili
kaso hindi ko naman mauubos
huwag na lang
hay
nakakatawa pag sinusulat ang damdamin
nagiging parang daga na lang
sige na
mageensayo na ako ng gitara

miss ko na magtyatro

magtyatro ako ulit

creating wealth is important.
keeping wealth is important.
forming good lasting relationships is important.
communication in relationships is important.

first:
what do you want?
what do you want?
is that what you want?
is she you want?
is that what you really want?
know what you want.
if it's comfortable you want, you won't get to what you really want.
obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off of what you want.

second:
what would you give to get what you want?
unreservedly
not to not lose but to win

third:
ready
fire
aim

i'm being pruned.
i can feel it.
it's painful.
but maybe it's the only way so i could finally bear much fruit.
i don't know if this decision to finally and fully let go is the right one.
i know i've been asking myself what i want. and sometimes there are doubts that maybe it's not really about letting go, that maybe i haven't wanted something bad enough.
i don't really know.
i'm not really sure.
but what is it that i really want?
now in any case, i'll choose this anyway.
rather than be stuck with indecision which is worse than choosing the wrong one.

so this is the faith part.
the trust part that all will go well for those who trust God.
God's back in the picture i guess.
i can still feel parts of me crying out: "how cheesy!" "ewww!" "yuck!" "God??"
hahaha
but yes, i'm pointed back to His promises in Philippinans 4:6,7 and John 15:1-16.
(read it if you don't want)


so now, i have to change (or maybe go back) to the things i delighted before.
to the "good" things -
the real ones, if you know what i mean.
renew my delight in God.
then my desires will be in lined with him.

don't get me wrong, i still believe that love just is.
it's just that maybe not now, not her, yet.
i don't know, not really sure.
but heck, so it is.
this is faith.

Before i leave, i quote in love and peace from Buscaglia's Loving Each Other,

"Perhaps we must finally accept the fact that we can never possess another human being. A decision to unite is an agreement between two separate units, which will always, in a sense, be separate. We must learn that loving others is to want them to be themselves - painful as it may be - with or without you. After all is said and done, what else can we do but wish them well? If a friend or a loved one wants to go, even if we devise a hundred ways to try to hold on, we will never be successful. And how little we value ourselves when we manipulate someone in order to keep them, when they would rather be elsewhere. We are better without those individuals in our lives."