dance dance dance

excerpt Loving Each Other Enough to Let Go: Jealousy

As the relationship, and those involved in it, becomes stronger and more secure, so will jealousy be minimized. Learning to let go, since most of us believe that love is based on "holding on to" is very difficult. Perhaps the greatest love presupposes the greatest freedom.
There is an old saying which suggests that love must be set free, and when it comes back to you, only then will you know real love.

Don't be afraid of jealousy. It is natural and normal emotion. Everyone who cares and loves feels jealous at one time or another. The essential decision is whether you will allow your jealousy to become an all-consuming monster, capable of destroying you and those you love, or become a challenge for you to grow in self-respect and personal knowledge.

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it's really only retrospectively do you fully understand and appreciate a situation or a happening in your life. if you're in the middle of life's battlefield, you just have to have the faith that it'll be over too and that there would be a conclusion to this - victory or more learning.


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i'm learning to fight one front at a time and to cross the bridge only when we get there.

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last night we ate at superbowl. ordered some Ching Tao beer. more more!! Buddy shared the crazy - i mean, crazy - schemes they did during high school chinese class. (revenge to the chinese teachers!!! hahaha) now men! faking a convulsion and feigning death during final exam! and then.... "roooaaahhhhr" to the teacher! wahhahahaha and other craziness!

grabe, naalala ko tuloy yung high school ko. though i personally learned a lot because of the responsibilities, lookin back, i feel like i was a bit too behaved, stiff or serious. i couldve given myself a little slack. now, buddy turned out pretty good. serious about his life-goals. but it doesn't have to be boring.

sometimes we forget to have enough fun. i now say, you can never have too much fun. life's too short not to be fun.

we always have this notion that if you're serious about your life and what you want, we have an image of a dead serious guy. but actually, we can always have fun with the process. so now, weeeeeh. i'm slowly realizing the fact that the more i pursue happiness and peace, the more it evades me. i think happiness is a choice. and it's a choice of pursuing what you really want and what's really inside your heart. so happiness is also a result.

but heck, i don't need to figure all these out first before i can start being happy. weeeeeeh!

now it's time to eat my breakfast. pizza!

don't wanna be like the dead sea.
looks so interesting but when you come closer it stinks.
you know why?
'cause it's so full of itself.
when you try to sit or dip yourself into the dead sea, you'll float but you'll stink.
damn, i wanna be like a river.
a river gives of itself to the sea endlessly but it never lacks.
a river gives life.
it refreshes
everything that comes, stays and drinks from it.

simple na.
hindi na ginagawang komplikado.

disgust.
it says, "i've had it!"

what a glorious day that would be.

action muna ah.
kk

what do you want my dear?

what do i want?
what do i want?

why?
why is it you're going to get into this?
why is it you're working so hard?
why go through all this?
what do you want?

fabulous question.

a lot of people know what they want but they don't really know what they want.

oh all right. maybe they do know what they want. but maybe they're not hungry enough.

fantastic.

once you know what you want, you've been there, and now you're ready to begin. if you've been there, you know. you could discern. you can now decide; you can now choose.

your eagles, your leaders, your lovers.

you'd know someone who doesn't know what he wants who thinks he knows what he wants.

thanks to all the people who've helped me indirectly or directly to this. inna, shyn, andrew, danny, tim, joseph cheung, sandy, john ianlomarond, rachel and luce, belle villavicencio, God, Vic.

thank you. thank you. thank you. this is priceless.

so what do i want?
you'll know - soon.
i wanna be part of that 3% in the Harvard study of those who knew what they wanted and wrote them down. research about it if you want.

intention + mechanism = results
100% intention = results; mechanism will just follow
simply put,
a. if there's a will, there's a way.
b. if you dream it, and you believe in your heart that you can do it, then you'll have it.
c. whether you think you can or you can't, you are right.
d. whatever the mind can conceive, and believe, you can achieve.

so what are you conceiving?




*now that's a million dollar insight for you.

the spirit is willing but the body is weak.

there's so many things i want.
just so many things.
i'm happy 'cause i know i'm not the only one who's figuring what i really want out.
one thing i really want is to leave something that will outlast me.
leave something for the country...

i miss ae.
just watched uyayi video journal by chin-chin guttierrez. amazing.
reminded me of ae a lot. sayang hindi ko na-record yung mga lullabies niya.

maybe one reason why we don't know what we want is we don't allow ourselves to want what we want badly enough 'cause we don't know yet how we'll get it so we just say we don't know yet what we want...hmmm.

so that's how it is.
just do the best you can.

"do your best and God will do the rest."

that wasn't my philosophy for a reaaally long time. subconciously, pala, i thought that it doesn't really matter if you did your best or not 'cause doing your best may not really be enough. (damn that song). my conclusions to my life experiences and obsevations tell me that people still fail even though they did their best. it isn't worth it. the pain isn't worth the effort. we just have to stop trying and just get by.

here, i just focused on the fruits or the results. i didn't realize that while doing your best, whether you succeed on this try or not, something happens inside you. it really makes you go through the necessary intense pressure you'll need to go through so you'll have the qualities that will make you the person. The kind of pressure that carbon needs to become a diamond so that it has the qualities that would make us say it is really a diamond. And it prepares you for the next try.

That's what i've been missing out. it's so simple but it's so significant.

it's wonderful to learn this now. it began when i just recently resolved - really decide - to have fun with the process. i've come to accept that since this life vehicle is what i'm gonna do to take me where i wanna go and help me be the person i wanna be. since i'm gonna do this anyway, why not have fun along the way. With this, i was introduced to "humility" again.

i was too arrogant to learn, to listen, to take responsibility for my own results, to accept that others have or are better than me because they chose to and did something about it. it took me quite a while, and i've undergone a lot of misery before i've accepted this. i don't know if i've duplicated it from somewhere. *ehem* but heck, it doesn't matter. what matters is i've realized it and willing to do something about it. it's my life anyway.

focusing on effort (action) is equally essential to personal development as focusing on results.

maybe master yoda have gotten it wrong when he said, "There is not try, only do!"

I beg to rephrase:
"There is a try and that's what you do."

maybe the real yabang is not based on what you've accomplished but what's inside you - that you know you can handle it and that you can make things happen.

maybe before the yabang, what's essential is the humility. as they say, "It takes more to be humble than to be bold."
humility allows us to be grateful and opens the eyes of our minds and hearts to more possibilities.

All in all. this day has been wonderful. i don't think i hadn't had so much fun in doing the business than today. no special event occurred. i guess it's just my attitude that changed.

i don't really know if this motivation will last me as long as i want it. but i'm learning that life is "made up of these small hours" and that life is lived from day-to-day, moment-to-moment and the present is all that we have in our hands.

The questions now are

should you do it?
could you do it?
would you do it? (at least would you try?)
everyday?

if you can say yes to all of these. wonderful!

what happens when you bring two elusive beings together?
is it even possible?
who would leave? who's left behind?

you can never tie them down, only set free, until they decide to rest upon your porch.
boys and girls try to cup them with their hands. they merely enjoy your warmth and fly away after a while.

but maybe, just maybe, their elusiveness is merely an illusion - a play, a magic trick to keep you atune and amused inspite of their blankness.

or maybe just another maybe, it's an illusion of this illusion that cover up this storehouse of playful richness yet to be uncovered - if there even such a thing in them. a treasure for you to find after crossing the smokescreens?

will they ever let you in?
to whom will they open the doors?

peeps. peeping toms and peeping janes. curious cats. all of them have had their chance. pay per view. sometimes free. but only for show. no touch. hands free.

where do they feel it then?

who holds their hands? will they let you see their open palms?

color color. what color is befitting them?
red red. olive green. ahrange sunset SJ orange.

whiff of powder smell on the plum cheeks. how 'bout strawberry lollipop lips and tongue? is it even possible to consider it an innocent joy with them?

smile.

(from February)