dance dance dance

scott told me that my 3 lives should be one before you can be successful, well, centered.
public life, private life, my life
public life - what others see, hear and feel
private life - my family life, my close circle
my life - my own life in my head
if you're 3 lives are aligned people will naturally draw to you

indeed

this struck me deeply
sometimes,especially during afternoons,
i would retreat
i imagine a layer of paper with drawings and writings - like a script - crumpled
revealing the second one
"now, i'll live this for a while"

---

sandy said it's hypocrisy
hoping more than you work
isn't that stealing?
a lack of integrity
really?
i never thought of it that way

---

i'm a sensual being
i notice a lot of sensations
visual,
auditory,
olfactory,
taste?
aura
6th sense?

i want to eat at felymar's bibingkahan
i want to see a rainbow again
i wanna watch and make films
i want an ingmar birgman marathon
i miss sibayan and groyon and sir doy
i miss the smell of la salle second floor library
i miss the smell of fixer and developer in the dark room
i've jumped from one experience to the next
i only have the vestiges of those memories
and i want to go to the new without leaving the old

i want freedom
to have freedom you need courage
i'm a coward
i fear failure and what others might say
i need courage
but God does not give courage
he gives us opportunities to be courageous

i miss ae
i still dream about ae
i still cry when i remember her
somtimes i just think she's in the province pa rin

i want my words to be actions
words are tedious
and cumbersome

i realize i think about myself a lot.
most of the fears i have is caused by the uncertainty of going out of myself and think of others and their well being.
that's mostly uncharted territory.
so it feels a bit uncomfortable because it's new and i'm surrounded with doubts with my feelings, ideas and tendencies.
fear starts to well up inside my body.
but life consists mostly of others so i have to learn to live with that.

i now accept that my primary fear is the fear of failure. i need to study failure as much as i study success 'cause my perception and response to failure will be a really big factor of how my life's gonna be.

thank God because the future comes one day at a time and that we only need to live each day at a time.

step by step.

i need not know everything all at once or know everyone intimately. i'm not God. i need not have all that i want and i will never get all i want but i know that in terms of the real important things, with God and my cooperation with him, i will not lack.

i understand that people change. everyone changes in the most subtlest ways.

love liberates us.

there's no point in hiding our love and appreciation and all the good things inside of us because of fear.

what would life be without our dreams?

i'm saddened that leo buscaglia and alan fletcher, the designer, died before i could meet them.

you should control your thoughts because sooner or later, your thoughts will control you.

"it's the possibility of one person affecting who you are."
it's gonna be like i'm going to be with tina! hahaha.
or maybe with sam
or maybe with timmy on a more up up giddy side
or maybe with hmmm
world's apart!
it's like carmen and marina together!
totally different.
tsk tsk
but wouldn't it be nice?
now this moood is totally different from just 10 minutes ago.
a drive round the block would really keep things in perspective:
who says you're going to be together?
and heck why not try, right?
it doesn't make the other person life better because s/he's different.
and why should you be the one to adjust?
i felt like a tamed wild animal. or am i a house cat trying to be wild?
isn't that annoying?
wahahaha
i remember the surots in Farinas bus 1249.
they must have had a feast on me.
if only you could see the pictures!
i wonder whom the surots are festering now.
there's nothing wrong with being mellow.
who says being emotional is bad?
i don't know when i'd be going to ushuaia.
inna, would you still go with me?
lisbon portugal is also waiting.
self-righteousness, oh terrible terrible
glad it's now in the conscious - at times
possbilities and risk
isn't that wonderful
let's go ooooouuuuuuut tonight!
let's go to pares.
"come to me without a past."
yes yes i will
you come to me with no past.
you bring the future to me bare
we'll paint the canvass together
if you'd like
or we could just lie and stay silent.
tell me
"come to me without a past"
come to me.
come away with me
come come cum
"where do we go from here?"
goodbye to the sun
let's help other people.
let's go and do something extraordinarily simple but heartfelt
remember september
tara lets tara lets
tara tara tara lets!
that's the way love goes
the pleasure that you take
in every step you make
the world is our playground
i met with harry yesterday.
he's grown a beard. heehee
he's a self-proclaimed homeless man-looking
to life
to death
to failure
to success
to love
to sex
to you
to me
this is where this ends















for now

i think photographs are boring -
sometimes
hmmmmm
aaahhhmmm
meditating
levitating
hmmm
the real thing is much more interesting
movement
movement

do i make sense?
do you make sense?
doesn't really matter
what matters is what's inside you
toootooodoooo
tooootooodooo
doodooodooodooo
with a smile
with two dimples to go with that
poke
balloon bursts
ay bubbles pala
married louise
martha and mary
mary and martha
cafe de luca

"is that what you want?"
"i want you"
you
you
you

too nice is not nice
i realize
thanks for breaking my ice
ice baby

now i'm just chillin to the beat of my drum
to the drum of paparam pam

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.


(but i'll blow it back again)

life is both positive and negative
happy happy joy joy
despair miserable
all one circle

pain
thank god i've experienced it
i know there's much more pain i've yet to experience
separation and frustration
growth pains too
death
pain of apathy

joy
i know there's more bigger bigger joy to come
i'd be joyer

get out of your coconuts
get out of your acorns
once you're out,
where you off to
nothing beats the real thing.
nothing beats it

after this self-pity shit,
i'm throwing off everything that hinders
disencumbering myself of things that so easily entangles
and i'm gonna run
run with perseverance the race marked for me.
i'm gonna fix my eyes on jesus,
the author and perfecter of my faith.
"if Christ is the way, why waste your time travelling some other path?"