Entries for August, 2008

August 3rd, 2008

no secrets

alive! i want to feel alive.. every single day.. every moment.giving myself out there...putting myself on the line. just like today, when running that 5k marathon, first time after a year...sweating, dripping, exhausted... just keep going just keep going, my hands wrinkling due to the rain showers, just keep going going... after when i want to keep my muzzle on and didn't want to talk to strangers... "prisoner of words unsaid"... just keep talking talking...

alive! looking back i would say that my life has been well, boring... nothing that i'm too happy about... nothing too spectacular that i was hoping for. but then again, what would you expect?...but yes, there are great times too but it could have been super magnificently great times if i didn't hold myself back... but i'm happy that now i know...i know i can change it...getting out on the limb...really being it...today is my future...today and moments afterwards...my eyes are now open..but there's more to discover, more to see, more to feel, more to give....

Posted by wxyz at 11:22 PM | make me smile

bukas na mundo

nabuksan ang mundo ko nang nakilala ka
...
can't keep up with the tagalog, english na lang...haha...i like you but i'm afraid...you're dangerous.. i am reckless...we're both free...i wonder until when will this be, knowing that you'd just be another chapter in my book..i wonder when i could lay my heart to rest...my heart is big..it belongs to the world but it longs to be filled by someone...just one..i hear still small voice, "be patient.."

i wonder when i will fall in love with myself..infatuation, passion...so that i know that i'll follow my own world with so much more frontiers to explore... instead of other worlds that keep me sleepless everytime...but then again, i need you to show me me...

Posted by wxyz at 11:53 PM | make me smile

August 4th, 2008

sadness

why are people so sad?
we're alone in our aloneness. no one can share it with us.. then i hear someone whisper, "lonely person take my lonely hand, maybe we won't be so lonely anymore."
"i look at all the lonely people...where do they all come from?"

Posted by wxyz at 01:06 PM | make me smile

ridiculously mischievous/mischievously ridiculous

i wonder how sound looks like.., polka dots, spirals...what color is it? tangerine, magnificent brown, stripes,...i wonder how taste looks like...salty like sweat dripping on your face, virgin like day on your lips...

i want to give birth, though i'm not sure what ..create something... what have you been creating lately? emotional fuels...should i or should i not? let you go..why even consider, just let it be...people are like water..just flow..if you hold too tightly, you'll only lost them..just hold them with open hands, they'll stay when and until they want too..

darkness, i like the night..i feel most alive..right now, i'm asleep, ..no slightly orgasmic..hold tight..oh it's fever, tight muscles..can't move from running...slowly slowly.

i wonder how sound taste...water crest, may 17, 2145. i wonder how fast is slow and why we call it slow when it's so fast my hand can't even grasp..seductively cunning i can read minds.

Posted by wxyz at 02:05 PM | make me smile

i'm selfish

i want the world all for myself. i want to consume it...i want to feel everything i can feel of it.. i don't want to share...yet i want to share everything, every feeling, every sensation, every vision...here i am again brooding...can you hear my breathing? i'm mad..i'm reckless i'm hungry, i'm thirsty...satiate me..i'm numb, i'm sensitive...i'm terribly harmless, poke! i'm cool..i'm hot..think to much, but never analyze, not a didactic manifesto just a grumbling bellow..trust me, fuck you...cigarettes and coffee, huff and puff to life, i'll huff and puff and the wind takes the brick wall down...lust let go of your pulsations, sensation...live let life...hurry up and slow down...catch up and be catched..nek nek mo, paradox...deal or no deal with irony..you'll be ironized in complicative miracles..it's simple don't complicate...i'm worthy,..i'm super..i'm outrageously magnificently...bumdabedum...sulong sulong sulong...hindi matatapos tapos ang walang anu man ng iba sa iyong buhay...blah blah blahahaha

 

Posted by wxyz at 02:10 PM | make me smile

not proud

what are you shy about?
what are you not proud of?
why do we hold secrets? why aren't we proud of everything?
why am i prouder of my sins than my dreams? does that mean i prefer past over future? no no..this isn't supposed to be...maybe you're afraid that if you don't get to where you want to be, you're afraid of being ridiculed a disappointment..shux i hate that.. isn't the future lovelier..well, today is the future ain't it? just so, there are still secret things, private things...is it just me...or why do we all? don't we need to break free from ourselves, from what holds us back? what do we need to do?! oh what do we must do?

why live several lives? why not one? why can't you be a successful dreamer who's lazily melacholic but outrageously ecstatic? why can't you love all people without being afraid..it's so easy to love...it's so easy to ignore, to neglect...best and good. good and bad...my my..why are we trained to dislike ourselves? why it should be this way and not that way...why him not her...why them not me...

fuckin dramas haha stop it stop it i'm going to barf...issues issues...tama na!

Posted by wxyz at 02:26 PM | make me smile

August 5th, 2008

rough draft vision of the future

these are some of my visions for the future, for my future and for anyone who'd like to take part. feel free to comment.

creative, environmental/energy, humanitarian enterprises.

creative.
planning and organizing an institution/foundation on the arts. supports deserving Filipino artists with funds, resources, networks to cultivate their skills and attitudes for their crafts. provides scholarships for young and old, conducts workshops, targeted to help underprivilege children express themselves through art to encourage love for country, self, sense of community. this can also be for adults, elderly, etc. to discover their passion for the arts. i believe that arts can be used for art's sake but using it for a purpose would be much more beneficial. to involve established artists to share their experience and wisdom to a Philippine art bank of some sort.

i want the Philippines to be known for it's artistry, just like France, or use art as tool to imbibe nationalism and upgrade a Filipino's self-belief.

Environmental/Energy
a friend told me that the Philippines have so much energy potential in terms of natural energy sources. i've yet to research on this but i believe we can harness it with the right people to lead these ventures. Support from the government and people will just follow. We need a team work of environmental experts, energy experts, engineers, business people, venture capitalists, etc. to make this come to life and i believe it's extremely possible.

Humanitarian
supporting elderly organizations through funding and time investments, encourage other youths to participate in caring for them. develop programs where elderly citizens can harness their skills, experience and wisdom for the community through outreaches of their own to other communities or within themselves, interactions and self-development. conduct workshops for them to engage in personal development in the arts - performing, visual, music, literature, etc. - business, charitable endeavors, etc.

--

i love my Philippines, and i feel for the elderly.
though i myself still have to settle my fear of aging, they are some marginalized groups that need love and care. they're still people, just like us..not old shoes we just discard and leave to rot.
i remember this feeling. can feel my passion for my country again just like i did in elementary. i like myself for this...i'm thrilled!

 

 

Posted by wxyz at 10:15 PM | make me smile

August 8th, 2008

baguio and tagudin

i just came from a 22hour trip to Baguio and Ilocos with my sister. I'm drinking French Pressed Baranguet blend coffee as i type. (i figured the name myself, haha) It's so good! It's a blend of Baracco and Benguet beans, we copied from the locals and it tastes full bodied, a little chocolatey in the beginning and caramely in the end - not too acidic, which i like. i never thought native coffee can compare to starbucks blend! i'm glad i was proven wrong!

the trip was primarily to visit my lola's sister on her 2nd death anniv yesterday. she's closer to us than my lola who died years earlier. she was the one who brought us up. i miss her dearly and still think of her often and dream about her in my dreams. =)

the bus on the way was freezer and we used every kind of covering we can find - even the bus curtains - and maneuver it around our bodies, just to keep us warm..the conduktor was smirking when he saw us..we left 1130 pm thursday and arrived 530 in baguio for breakfast. baguio mornings start late and they're a little laid back. it's so nice, strolling peacefully along Session Road. (though at first, it was freezer as well, until the sun slowly spread its heat.)
it was quite obvious that we're not from there because we walked ever so slowly and looked around awed at every sight in every corner.

we bought coffee, sweets and flowers in the market and off we go up to Ilocos. we rode on a mini bus w/o the freaking aircon so we can take in as much mountain air as we can. we passed by mountains, rivers, bridges and la union beach to our left!! my eyes devoured the provincial sight which my sister poetically summarized: "water and mountains, cows and goats, greens and browns, rivers and seas, rocks and sand." haha. still, i couldn't take enough of it. and i love it everytime i catch a sight of the beachfront in la union!

3 hours after, we alighted just outside the cemetery along the national highway. it wasn't that melodramatic for me as i saw AE's grave. (We call my lola's sister AE.) It was my first time there. i didn't go during her wake. i guess i held back some thoughts so i won't cry in front of my sister 'cause i know she'd cry even more than me. She's closer to her kasi. But it reminded me again how short life is and not waste any moment to appreciate our loved ones and just breathe life to every life we encounter every moment. After cleaning up the nitso, it was time to go to the municapality and pay some taxes!

haha. yes, taxes for her land. AE's story is so much drama. her lands were disputed, her youth was full of despair, sacrifices and adventure. her old age was a routine. oh well, i won't elaborate on it, but i'm contemplating of making it into a movie some time. a personal project for my family. she's the Filipino version of the character of Baby Kochama in God of Small Things, but i still love her!

It was already past 12 when we arrived there and the government employees were just about to go to lunch, but since we told them we're from Manila, they reluctantly took care of our affairs first. We didn't let them know we can speak Ilocano or they'll let us wait! bwahahaha

we had lunch in a small carinderia beside the munisipyo. ate dinengdeng, tortang baka and rice. we didn't order the kilawin na baka na may papaitan - the Ilocano version of Carpaccio- it looked, well...raw! and in a karinderia?? haha, well, the cows there eat good grass naman but still.. haha

my sister, being the writer that she is, researched way ahead of the "Sights" there was to see in Tagudin, Ilocos and found out that it was there the first Sundials were placed in the Philippines and the landing sight of the founder of St. Theresa's College in QC and San Agustin School there and some other monuments. We later found out that it was all situated in one plaza, the size of half a basketball court. hahaha! anyways, the people there are so friendly. one teacher in the San Agustin School there even offered to tour us. Lovely.

The highlight of my trip was the Farola lighthouse! i was expecting to see the usual majestic lighthouse, with the light on top of a round bricked or cement structure, but to my surprise, their lighthouse was a mere single steel structure with a light on top. haha... it's high tech though, cause it has photo-eye meaning, it turns on and off on its own and is solar-powered! haha But what's even more fascinating, is the virgin beach in front of it!!!

amazing. i didn't expect to see a beach front in my lola's province. the waves were quite strong, the wind windy, and mists came flying everywhere. there was no soul to be found except ours and some people picking special pebbles along the shore. fabulous! and it stretches from left to right as fas as the eye can see! it was love at first sight. i knew i'd come go back there! haha

finally, we road our tricycle back to the national highway and waited for the first bus to Manila. it was quite a wait but i got to bond with my sister for a little while. it was wonderfully quiet, especially when no cars passing. made a paper boat and let it float along the puddle of water in the gutter. took pictures, chatted, small talk with a stranger, moments.. it was an 8 hour ride back home. non-aircon bus again, thank God!
strangely though, no one opened up their windows. when we did, we knew why! it was air-con super cooled blower! haha. we turned it into low cool instead. =)

how do you fill an 8 hour ride?

thoughts, dreams, visualize, sleep, sleeptalk, call two friend, chats with seatmate, make new friends, observe people, visualize, play ipod music from different genres, listen to different audio books, stop over, sing, i wanted to smoke but my sister was there, haha, eat chicharon, mani, and skyflakes. everything was kind of a semi-lucid state 'cause you're like sleeping and waking, sleeping and waking with so many things happening around you, people riding, leaving, talking, selling you things and trinkets, and everything. lovely.

thank you for bearing with me as you read this. too much details perhaps.
should've i just said, "bus to baguio, breakfast there, shop for coffee, pasalubong and flowers, bus to ilocos, visit cemetery, pay taxes to municaplity, eat lunch, tour around, bus to manila"?

Posted by wxyz at 01:53 PM | make me smile

August 11th, 2008

sad people

why am i so drawn to sad lonely broken people? they say, "who you get is not who you want but who you are."

"don't cheat yourself out of love, coz you know that's a bigger sin to never know such sweetness, never know completeness
but that's where i've been..."

 

Posted by wxyz at 11:34 PM | make me smile

August 12th, 2008

stranger

i don't know you...

don't worry my dear. don't worry...
it's okay to know me. don't be frightened. we're all broken beings finding our place in this world. i'll embrace you with every bit of acceptance i can muster. will you embrace me too? i don't know for how long though..i can't promise you a lifetime..you can be my escape, escape...i can be your escape, i can be yours for a moment..i have to leave too for reasons i don't know..is that okay? will that be okay for now? that'll be okay....

Posted by wxyz at 05:27 PM | make me smile

August 17th, 2008

shoot a falling star

o, what happened to you? didn't you hear rejoice? weren't you joyful when you left? weren't you decided to be joyful? is it because she has sad eyes that you want sad eyes too? is it because she's longing that you're longing too? and when she's happy you're happy? she's not your thermostat. live your life. let her live hers. aren't you the joy to bring her up? aren't you the subject of her longing? so why the long face? why the long face?

Posted by wxyz at 07:26 PM | make me smile

August 18th, 2008

sin

“Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.”

I’m prideful and have haughty eyes. I’m so preoccupied with myself…

The first of deadly sins… haha…oh pride. Someone told me that one of these days, I’d be broken down. Broken down, down, down… I just hope I won’t be too stubborn to wait for devastation…

Devastation…. “Anything but ordinary please” My, my.

Aren't we all peddlers of ourselves? we peddle our ideas, we vend our affections...

 

Posted by wxyz at 01:25 PM | make me smile

August 19th, 2008

wala na akong masabi

nasabi ko na lahat.

i feel so naked. hubad.

it's time to decide though...

Posted by wxyz at 03:43 AM | 2 smile

your vices don't define you

you define it. you give it definition. your sins, it's not you. well, if you want to. i can. and you know, i'm proud of it. but it's not everything about me, so... i'm glad 'cause you can't just identify yourself with just one part of you. you must not be your own box. me is not me. i use me for me.

Posted by wxyz at 04:20 AM | make me smile

August 20th, 2008

i wonder who those people are

who are they. who are those people behind those words. what stories do they live? esquire, wall street, times, why identify with big names? why not be indicate your name? i wonder who writes such stuff... when the big name is taken away, or you leave the big name, who are they now? who do they become or not become?

---

who's your backer?

Posted by wxyz at 03:55 PM | make me smile

August 21st, 2008

i don't know

is it really possible for me?

is it??

Posted by wxyz at 01:10 AM | make me smile

August 31st, 2008

petrified heart

Out on my sleeve
And I have paid as it's been rent
Into pieces

Seems everyone I've loved has
Taken a bit of my insides
I'm scattered as the woman whose body
Was torn for the twelve tribes

Chorus
When did my heart get so petrified
When did it get so hard to feel
When did my heart get so afraid to love
When did it get so hard

And the easy-living Gnostic proud
Use their knowledge
Like a wreaking ball to tear me down
Flooding me with their fallacies
I can't walk on this water
I'm starting to drown

Chorus

Strike this rock with your rod
I'll take the blows
Till your living water begins to flow
As it flowed from the Man of Sorrows' side
On that day when his body
Was torn for the twelve tribes
Torn for the twelve tribes

Choru

 

Posted by wxyz at 08:27 PM | make me smile

ARGH

"No one would love me if they knew all the things I hide. My words fall to the floor..."

Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And every day I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind

I hear it all depends on my faith
So I'm feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they're so mysterious

And like a consumer I've been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my 15 minutes of faith,
Then I'd be secure

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave

Posted by wxyz at 08:31 PM | make me smile