shux
i hate this. when you're talking, you want to shut up. when you're shut up, you're itching to talk. grabe naman kasi noh! if it's 8 hours straight and you're not talking, you're bound to have bad breath and i'm bound to go crazy!! come on! shux i need balance.
I realized after rereading a book that I’m an “S” at the core even though I want to be in the “B”. I value independence and freedom to do things my way. I realized that it’s totally the opposite of a “B”. And it’s going to take a life-changing transformation to change from the left to the right quadrant. “B” people build teams and require technical and leadership skills. Anyways, I know that can be learned. The thing of primary importance now is why. Why is the change necessary. Cause eventually, it’s only the why that would even make the how necessary.
Besides, there are artists and other admirable people that seem to be in the “B”. Example, puff daddy, jay-z, Sir Richard Branson, Laird? You see? You can still be who you are in whatever quadrant. “Remember you can be anything you want to be in any of the quadrants… even a teacher.”
Even though how much or how little I deny it I know someone is better than me in implementing some things. And I just have to accept that fact as well. And perhaps that fact would make the process of shifting quadrants easier as well. That adage, “know thyself” rings true again. It shook me from my stuckness.
Going back to the why. Why why why. Reasons come first, answers come second.
Lately I’ve been stuck. Entangled in the mess of my mind like our drawer full of chargers. Stuck because it’s too much of work to even start disentangling one charger so the phone can be charged. And so, the phone is just left uncharged, with little to no battery with very little useful life. so much potential but without the charge, it’s useless.
And there goes my passion.
“You’re more worried about your own personal survival than keeping your dream alive. Your fear has pushed aside your passion. The best way to keep going is to keep the flame in your heart going. Always remember what you set out to do, and the trip will be easy. Start worrying more about yourself, and your fear begins to eat away at your soul. Passion builds businesses. Not fear. You’ve gone this far. You’re close, so don’t turn back now. Remember what you se out to do, keep that memory in your heart and keep the flame going. You can always quit… so why quit now?”
That’s exactly what happened to me. I’ve worried myself to fear and fear started eating me out. Funny, I just wrote about it a few days back.
And now, I’m going to be real honest with myself again. I just hope I persist and never let it happen again, I hope the passion keeps burning.
First of all, I’m really starting zero. I have not really officially worked for a certain company since graduation. I have zero employment experience except for the family business which is “you” are the business, again, S. Even that work, it’s not something I am really be proud of.
I would say I’m a “jill-of-all-trades, master of none.” I rarely finish what I start. It’s harsh to hear such words from myself but I know I have to look at myself straight in the eye and give me them reality checks.
But I won’t berate myself too much either. I know I’ve had great times and I know I’ve had great contributions, but now is the time for new things and for finishing. =) whoopee.
i saw someone who looks like her, really like her. it's funny, i couldn't turn away at the same time i didn't want to stare too long. i'm afraid to see the things that convey that it's really not her cause i knew wanted her to be her. oh it's just the body. oh it's just the container. it is not she. it is not hers. she is not the she that i want. oooooh. oooooh....
morning is a great time for sleeping, isn't it? don't we all have a hard time getting out of bed? isn't that nature's way of saying, sleep some more!
breakfast is lunch. don't waste your time on excess food. when you wake up at 10, noontime is best for reading in the patio or watching tennis.
2pm is a good time for lunch. and the rest of the afternoon, it's great for making love. the warm air, meets the warm body, warm breath. innocence with a bit of guilt 'cause everyone's at work toiling their asses off and also it it so quiet.
if it's a rainy afternoon, isn't it such a time for cuddling into a warm thick blanket drinking french press coffee, sipping, sipping, touching, moans mix with the sound of the rain...
night comes and clears everything like nothing happened but our secret daily rendevouz...strolling along famed sidewalks and walk ways, eating steaks and wine.. and we know it's all worth it, it's all worth it.
i've been doing nothing for the past weeks.
ayaw ko magsalita ng tapos kasi hindi naman ito natatapos.
ang buhay ay dumadaloy.
ang gusto ko lang sabihin na may bago nang kantang tumutugtog sa background (whatever this word is in tagalog)...
there there baby it's just text book stuff,
it's in the abc of growing up..
and you know i love you yeah...
move. live. just feel it. we're young. we're young. why be so sad? why be so serious? we have our whole lives ahead of us. i love you. i love you. i value who you are. you deserve more than what you've been feeling yourself, well, if you don't like it, you can change it dear. yes you can, even if you hear the lies that say you can't reasoning that you've already tried it before, over and over again. tomorrow isn't the same as today. the next moment is different from the next. i know you're the best that you can be. i can feel it. i can see it. you, happy and filled while giving fully.
Cherish your visions; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow all delightful conditions, all, heavenly environment; of these, if you but remain true to them, your world will at last be built.
(excerpt from as a man thinketh)
factory girl factory girl
eadie sedgwick
andy warhol
sienna miller
fascinating
interesting
but necessary?
soup can
empty as a soup can
ugly artists
too beautiful to be an artist
run
soft cheek profile
molest
drugs
beauty but empty
sadness
pain
running away
hold it
stop running away
factory
warehouse
what matters
does it really?
everything has been stained. what's good, what's bad, what's happy and sad, what's ugly and beautiful, it's all mixed up...no no no! please, innocence again!!!!!
titles: spilling open, living loud, brave rocks, if you don't go, you don't see..
I see myself rushing around maintaining
and
preparing
for what "will happen next"
and the worries that go along with it
getting ready for life-- not being in life
it seems we start so young with the
getupdresswasheatworkundressbath routine
we "grow up" too fast.
if we stop there are so many
worries of what could happen
will I lose the connection?
will i be replaced?
will i be forgotten?
it is exhausting- gripping
onto too much!
I am reminded of May Sarton's writing
in Journal of a Solitude
"Imitate the trees"
Let go. cut off the excess... prune
wait. watch. grow deep
and high to
see the sea.
(Sabrina Ward Harrison)
everyone has his/her struggles. yes we do. no matter how we may look outside. others may see right through us. however, it's not necesarily a vain disguise if we don't parade our sorrows explicitly. one reason, perhaps, is we don't want others' get so affected with our countenance and be affected by our burdens. though it doesn't hurt to share it with friends too. what matters is we are honest with it ourselves.
"i don't want excuses. i know what you're up against. we're all up against something. so you better make up your mind, because until you have the balls to look me straight in the eye and tell me this is all you deserve, i am not letting you fail even if that means coming to your house every night until you finish your work. i see who you are. do you understand me? i can see you, and you are not failing."