dance dance dance

"we are unutterable alone, essentially, especially in the things most intimate and most important to us."

i don't feel anything, except this feeling of non-feeling. i'm blank. if i die now, would it matter? i mean really, would it matter? not to you, dear reader. but to me. will it matter to me if i die? well, i'm uncertain of what's on the other side so that makes me prefer staying on this side than get to know the unknown that might be worse than here. no, i'm not going to kill myself physically.

although i should be really kill myself. kill a part of myself that's dead and withering.

--

who else would i show?

everyone has his/her struggles. yes we do. no matter how we may look outside. others may see right through us. however, it's not necesarily a vain disguise if we don't parade our sorrows explicitly. one reason, perhaps, is we don't want others' get so affected with our countenance and be affected by our burdens. though it doesn't hurt to share it with friends too. what matters is we are honest with it ourselves.

"i don't want excuses. i know what you're up against. we're all up against something. so you better make up your mind, because until you have the balls to look me straight in the eye and tell me this is all you deserve, i am not letting you fail even if that means coming to your house every night until you finish your work. i see who you are. do you understand me? i can see you, and you are not failing."

come to me with no past

I see myself rushing around maintaining
and
preparing
for what "will happen next"
and the worries that go along with it
getting ready for life-- not being in life
it seems we start so young with the
getupdresswasheatworkundressbath routine
we "grow up" too fast.
if we stop there are so many
worries of what could happen
will I lose the connection?
will i be replaced?
will i be forgotten?
it is exhausting- gripping
onto too much!
I am reminded of May Sarton's writing
in Journal of a Solitude
"Imitate the trees"
Let go. cut off the excess... prune
wait. watch. grow deep
and high to
see the sea.

(Sabrina Ward Harrison)

titles: spilling open, living loud, brave rocks, if you don't go, you don't see..

everything has been stained. what's good, what's bad, what's happy and sad, what's ugly and beautiful, it's all mixed up...no no no! please, innocence again!!!!!

believe in yourself it's possible dear

factory girl factory girl
eadie sedgwick
andy warhol
sienna miller
fascinating
interesting
but necessary?
soup can
empty as a soup can
ugly artists
too beautiful to be an artist
run
soft cheek profile
molest
drugs
beauty but empty
sadness
pain
running away
hold it
stop running away

factory
warehouse
what matters
does it really?

Cherish your visions; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow all delightful conditions, all, heavenly environment; of these, if you but remain true to them, your world will at last be built.

(excerpt from as a man thinketh)